`I grew up in a large family. We had to share everything, clothing, shoes, space, even time. I shared so much until there wasn’t much of me left. The part that remained had no idea who she was and what she wanted to do with the rest of her life. I felt alone and empty. Feeling empty is much like living in a fog. You go through situations and circumstances constantly, trying to make sense of all the emptiness.
- Like so many other people who grew up in somewhat dysfunctional families, I was left with scares and traumas that I covered up. Anything covered up can’t heal. I tried talking to other people but realized they couldn’t help me. They had issues of their own. So, I became a sounding board for everybody’s problems. I became the “RESCUER.” I had to save everybody. I was holding down my side of the boat while trying to help everybody else maintain their end. Never realizing that the ship was sinking and we are all g`oing down.
- Growing up in a large family, I couldn’t say NO. I am the youngest of six siblings. Most of the time, the decision was made for me. I had to go along or be left out. This fear, yes, fear of being left out, manifested itself in my becoming a people pleaser or the “NURTURER” I said yes to things that I wanted and needed to say no to. Because I needed everybody to be happy, everybody was delighted except ME. I was left feeling frustrated, angry, and tired. I longed for time alone, but I had committed to so many other tasks that there was no time for me. People pleasing is hard because you never get back what you put out.
- I made it through my childhood, but the feelings of inadequacy didn’t go away. I sought validation and approval through pointless unsatisfying relationships. I surrounded myself with people. Plain old ordinary people. These people knew nothing about me and didn’t care to find out, but I wasn’t alone and didn’t have to make any decisions for myself. I concluded that they weren’t there for me. I was there to fulfill a need in their life. They didn’t share my interests or care about my goals. They didn’t want what was best for me.
Ok, God, what am I to do with this attitude? How am I to get rid of this feeling of emptiness?
The answer didn’t come overnight. It took quite some time for me to find the answers that I needed. It took me looking inside myself, taking the time to examine my thoughts and look at my actions. It wasn’t until recently that I figured out the answer. It’s not that God didn’t hear me. He had placed the solution in me a long time ago. The answer was quite simple, “NO.” Saying no, meaning no, and not feeling guilty. Speaking my truth loosened my tongue and opened my heart.
I want to spend the remainder of my days living in truth and being there for myself and, when possible, for others too. Life is hard; I don’t have time to waste making it harder.
James 2:17 reminds us, “Faith without works is dead.”
